Straight Talk - V9

Prison Cake: It's Better Than Your Thyroid Meds

By The People's Chemist

If you ask a doctor for help with weight loss, they’ll give you the famous sales pitch about an “underactive thyroid.”   It goes like this: “You have a slow thyroid.  It’s preventing your body from producing calorie-burning and energy-producing hormones.”  


For good measure, they’ll affirm your symptoms of low energy, slight depression, and the down-trodden feeling of being powerless.  Shortly after, you’re off to the pharmacy for some wonder drugs to treat your new illness - either hypothyroidism or something that sounds far more sinister, Hashimoto’s disease.  


Those pills will fail while putting you at risk for some shockingly awful side effects.  That’s because your metabolism and lean body mass don’t rely on drugs or the thyroid to live thin and slim.  But Pharma, like the devil, always gets paid.  The charade has been going on for over 50 years…


You’ll never remember the name of the drugs or how to pronounce them. You’ll most likely never question their safety or efficacy. You’ll never even wonder what’s supposed to happen when you start choking them down. Instead, you’ll dutifully take your “meds” every morning and night courtesy of your labeled disease. 


Here’s the truth:


The thyroid - along with its hormones - is only ONE small, tiny, infinitesimal, component of a properly working metabolism. In fact, it’s so insignificant that even if you didn’t have a thyroid, you could still have a slim body. The National Institutes of Health published these findings in the medical journal Thyroid, proving that, “existing evidence suggests that surgery [thyroid removal] for these conditions does not contribute significantly to further weight gain.” 

A more effective way to live thin (and young) at absolutely any age - and to get more out of life - is leveraging the heroes of metabolism that are proven to save you from “hypothyroid,” Hashimoto’s disease, obesity, Type 2 diabetes and even Alzheimer’s disease: 

  • Tracking macro-nutrients daily 
  • Getting sunshine 
  • Working out 
  • Ditching the meds for botanical medicine 
  • Quitting sugar, alcohol and artificial flavors
  • Getting nightly REM sleep using valerian root and L-tryptophan (See Serotonin FX by clicking here)
  • And sticking to 3 meals a day spaced out by 6 hour “fasting windows”
Prison Cake: It's Better Than Your Thyroid Meds

Together, these daily habits work better than the popular drug Synthroid, or any chemical concoction thrown into an orange bottle with the latest approval by Satan, I mean the FDA.  That’s because they help your body control appetite, burn more calories than you consume and ensure that your satiated and not screaming on the inside for sugar and whatever else kind of shit food comes from a box, window or package.


For more aggressive, therapeutic approaches to help ramp up fat loss, strength and endurance, botanical extracts from yerba mate, cinnamon, milk thistle and synephrine are proven to be powerful allies in the war on obesity and premature death. (See Thermo FX AM, Thermo FX PM and Cinnergy by clicking here)  Free of side effects they lower blood sugar and increase insulin sensitivity for the total restoration of hormone balance, output and sensitivity (BOS).  It doesn’t matter if you’re 12 years old or 80, the heroes of metabolism always work.


Synthroid (levothyroxine) was the first thyroid drug to be dealt to patients.  It’s purported to model the thyroid hormone T4. It only models a biological train wreck.  Hormone expert and Chief of Endocrinology for UMDNJ New Jersey Medical School highlighted its uselessness when he stated that, “Synthroid has long been discounted as a remedy for weight loss, but it is still being used improperly by probably millions of Americans.”


Its competitor, Armour Thyroid, has been called “bioidentical.” It’s not. It’s more like “bio-poison.” Like Synthroid, Armour Thyroid fails to increase lean body mass. The main reason for its failure? It’s not bioidentical. It comes from pigs. A pig’s balance of thyroid hormones is 80% T4, and 20% T3. The human thyroid produces roughly 95% T4 and 5% T3. The numbers are mismatched and only make sense if you’re trying to be a healthier pig.


Furthermore, pig hormones don’t match human hormone binding sites, which are the switches regulated by hormones. Also, the atoms that make up the pig’s T4 and T3 hormones differ in weight from our own chemical messengers. Is it any surprise that swine hormones aren’t helping people lose weight? You’re not bacon.


Just like the wrong key can jam a lock, thyroid meds block our own unique thyroid hormone output, sensitivity, and balance. With our REAL hormones blocked, our body becomes primed for obesity, premature aging, and illness. But before all that happens, users gain more belly fat, lose hair, see premature wrinkles, and often experience low mood and dizzy spells throughout the day. That’s just for starters.


The Journal of the American Medical Association highlighted the many side effects of thyroid meds. As thyroid meds throw our hormone balance out of whack, they also cause: 


  • calcium depletion and bone weakening
  • decreased bone density
  • diarrhea
  • irritability
  • headache
  • hand tremors
  • leg cramps
  • insomnia
  • vomiting
  • nervousness
  • heart palpitation
  • changes in menstrual periods
  • seizures


You’re better off eating prison cake than taking a thyroid med. Former bank robber, heroin addict, and author of the bestselling novel Cherry tells us that it’s relatively easy to make: “Crush up a bag of Nilla Wafers extra fine, pour it into a bowl, add a can of Pepsi and some hot-cocoa mix, stir in a glob of no-refrigeration-needed mayonnaise, microwave it for 13 minutes, and then, presto!”—you have a mass of food that actually resembles a cake. That’d be way better than swallowing drugs purported to fix imaginary diseases like low thyroid, hypothyroid, or Hashimoto’s disease. At least you know what you’re getting, and it tastes better. 

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